Flickasbord, Volume 22

**Note: The following content has adult wording. Discretion is advised

About a decade ago, I was known in my area of southern New Hampshire as the guy who got a tattoo every day, although the “every day” part was an exaggerated folk tale that was made externally. And while I do acknowledge that very crazy tattoo year of 2014, it feels like that was a whole different lifetime ago, as I’ve moved on to blogging about movies.

Of course, I’ve rarely given any thought to that external exaggeration folklore all these days (and years) later. However, today is different, as my constant blogging of Flickasbord entries made me think of that time again, to the point that if all those people from a decade ago knew how much I blog about movies these days, then to them I’d still be the same guy who gets a lot done in a short amount of time, except the subject matter is different this time around.

Yes, I’m back with yet another Flickasbord entry, as the stuff that’s fresh on my mind pulls me right back in just as I think that I’m about to take a very small break from blogging. But of course, there is a lot of movie related stuff that’s on my mind right now, so might as well let it all out into the Art Infliction Content Universe today instead of letting it fester any longer. So, with that being said, let’s begin.

First up, I thought that I’d get that 13th Nadine Velazquez Flickuum movie settled during the wee hours of this morning via my assessment of “Kings Of South Beach”. But after seeing that she didn’t fit the role of Olivia Palacios in that movie, along with enjoying “Sharon 1.2.3.” way more than that movie oddly enough, I decided against making the 2007 movie the one in which she has as many Flickuum movies as Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. But don’t worry because I came up with a creative way to make that feat happen. And as to what that creative way was, well I expedited the 2005 movie “Blast” from Tier 7 to Tier 3 to put it as a fully guaranteed Flickuum movie in place of “I Do Until…I Don’t”, because A] Nadine Velazquez hanging on a basketball rim during an action sequence is just way too sexy and cool to not be a part of Flickuum lore, and B] The dynamic between the characters of Amber Heard and Wyatt Cenac in the 2017 movie (I Do Until…I Don’t) is just a little too weird for me to justify that movie’s being in The Project. However, I won’t close The Flickuum door on that movie entirely because maybe I can overcome that weirdness via a re-assessment of it.

Of all the 19 combined Tier 8 and Tier 10 movies, 15 of them are either movies that I’m completely confident about or are movies that are in “have to have it” scenarios. And of course, with that being said, the fact that four of those 19 movies not being expected to pass their assessments bodes well for five certain movies that just got added to the current assessment/re-assessment roster. And as to what those five certain movies are, well they are 1] Sabotage, due to Joe Manganiello needing redemption after that failure known as “The Killing Room”, 2] Bonnie And Clyde, due to me being a fan of that subtle 1960s/1970s grit, 3] The Post, a movie that was pardoned from the Movie-Ocrity/Dishonorable Mention page, due to the interesting real-life subject matter that that movie has, 4] Chocolat because if Julie & Julia can be re-assessed, then that movie should be re-assessed as well and 5] Nearing Grace because I’ve been wanting to assess that Jordana Brewster movie since late-January. Oh yes, and I used the freshly assessed “Kings Of South Beach” as the movie to take the place of “Chocolat” on the aforementioned Movie-Ocrity/Dishonorable Mention page.

Nadine Velazquez has been a recurring theme in many of my blog entries (including this one) since late-December 2023, as it’s looking more and more likely that she will be the actress to beat in The Flickuum Project via The Bounce Back. However, she’ll only have two fully guaranteed Flickuum movies foreseeably available via “Blast” and “Biker Boyz”, the latter of which began her career. And given that her other nine Flickuum movies either are or will be subject to March Madness style competition, evaluation time will feel weird quite a bit. So, in a move to counter the constant droughts of her movies during evaluation time, I’ve decided to take a flier on “House Of The Dead 2”, solely for the fact that she’s in it. Yes, I don’t expect that movie to make The Project, but I don’t want “Kings Of South Beach” to be the last one of hers that I see before evaluation time. I guess it can be another “Sharon 1.2.3.” situation. Plus, since I’m at it, I’ll take a flier on the first “House Of The Dead” movie as well, even though it’s an Uwe Boll-directed movie. But hey, maybe that first installment could be a pleasant surprise, as the German director has put forth five movies that are among my 90 (soon to be 100) most hated.

And finally, there was some redemption after “Kings Of South Beach”, as “The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus” lived up to the expectations that I had for it, as watching it reminded me of three fully guaranteed Flickuum movies in “The House With A Clock In Its Walls”, “Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events” and “Big Fish”, thus that movie being those three rolled up into one. And of course, with all of that being said, it’s now the eighth Tier 11 movie to make the cut for the 2,101 through 2,201 Flickuum selection protocol.

Alright, April 1 is coming, so it’s time to knock out all these assessments/re-assessments between now and then. Air Force One (the 1997 movie) awaits!